I’m Fat AND I Matter

I’m Fat AND I Matter

I matter. You matter. It’s a hard concept for many of us to hold onto.

I went to therapy today. And if you’ve never been, I would be in a huge “don’t knock it till you try it” boat here. Honestly it has been a huge game changer! My Psychiatrist mentioned something the other day about not being magic (though I might disagree) but that she just takes the things that we say and says it back to us. Sometimes in a little different framing and sometimes that is all that it takes.

Now, here is the thing.

I have been TRYING to lose weight off and on since my son was born. He’s three and a half now, and I believe I am heavier now than a month after he was born.

It might have to do with postpartum, anxiety, car accidents, concussion, medication and many other things. Actually I am sure that it does. But I also have learned that sometimes things don’t change because we need to do the work.

I’m not talking about doing the work to lose weight like eating clean, smaller portions and moving more. I have done all that. I did things that have always worked for me in the past, like weight watchers, beachbody, fast metabolism, clean eating, junk food cleanses. And nothing. No change. And I’m not saying I ate well for two days. I mean MONTHS, and no change.

I started running (and ran 4-5 times a week for a month or more) and still, no change…. In fact, I have gained MORE weight.

Yes, stress and hormones and fight or flight responses are in effect, but I actually feel like I am supposed to be learning something in this. Alex laughs because I always feel like their is a meaning behind the things that happen or why they happen. But it’s how I feel things, it’s how God has spoken to my heart many times in the past.

What if I can’t lose weight until I accept the fact that I am beautiful even if I’m obese. (yes obese is the weight class that I am currently in. You can all simmer down, I’m not body shaming myself this is just the real deal)

What if I can’t lose weight until I accept the fact that I am LOVED regardless of my size ?

That I MATTER even if my jeans are tight or I have a muffin top.

That the NUMBER ON THE SCALE doesn’t make me better or worse, a success or a failure.

It is in NO WAY related to my worth.

Woah.

That’s big stuff.

And how do I get there? How to I truly start to believe that I matter. BIG FAT PERIOD. Not IF I lose weight or IF I get stuff done. RIGHT NOW I matter! Right now YOU matter.

I do the healthy things. And I do the work. I treat myself like I matter right now, at the heaviest I have ever been outside of pregnancy. How do I show myself I matter? How do I grab hold of this? Here are five practical thoughts/actions I have taken to let myself believe I matter.

Use my faith.

Wow that sounds selfish. But my faith is a huge tool in my toolbox that I don’t always remember to hold onto. The fact that I am here is enough to mean that I matter. That God created me, formed me, and has brought me to the here and now. Pretty incredible. Especially when I think about my kids, and the moment they were born, actually from the moment that I knew that they were inside me and how much they mattered and how LOVED they were.

Photographic reminders.

I LOVE photographs. And though they are not always an accurate representation of what I look like (or maybe they are) but more importantly they are reminding me of the things and the people that matter. Fun times. Events. Moments. Hugs. The pictures remind me that I matter to the people in my life.

Anchor.

I am going to do a post about this soon, but finding songs, quotes, verses, words, anything that makes me feel stronger. That reminds me that I matter. Good stuff. Hold onto those things, post them, share them, place them on my desk!

Celebrate success.

The little things. Accomplishing a goal, making a connection, helping someone. Take note of the good things I do. The good things that happen.

Take time to do things I love.

When I am being creative, getting outside, spending quality time with my munchkins… I don’t have the time to really think about not mattering. It ends up just being about those things I am doing and creating.

Do you have any tips or tricks that help you in your journey? I’d love to hear them!

Fall Harvest Soup – A Quick, Healthy and Frugal Fix

Fall Harvest Soup – A Quick, Healthy and Frugal Fix

Soup. So simple. Or at least it can be. I can’t remember when I first started cooking, but I know I have been watching my dad cook soup since I was a kid. And I’m not going to lie, he ROCKS at it. So much so that I think I kind of avoided soups. I wouldn’t ever make them as good as him, and when he makes them I get to take litres home. So soup was off the list. I make all kinds of Asian inspired cuisine (all dishes my dad has never made…just hitting me now…lol writing is such a wonderful thing) and I bake a TONNE now, but soups, they were kind of off the table.

That is until Mike or Jackie made the Eat Clean Diet’s carrot ginger soup. I had to make it. And so it began. I still am more prone to make chili, but soup is definitely now on the radar in my kitchen.

I was home the other day, looking in the fridge for what I wanted to use up. I have been making a much more conscious effort to not waste food, even if it means eating something I’m not really “feeling”.

The fridge was pretty bare. Five already peeled carrots from muffin making earlier in the week, half a peeled sweet potato, the remainder of a little bag of mini potatoes that had been spilled all over the fridge and floor multiple times (maybe I shouldn’t have torn a hole in the SIDE!) and some apples we picked last weekend in the Valley at Mason’s.

Thinking of the ingredients in the Carrot Soup I so much enjoy, an Instagram post from Kyla of Shanti Yoga and a picture my friend Avril shared on Facebook I think last fall, I took these lackluster ingredients and made a plan.

I chunky chopped the veggies (doesn’t that sound fun…chunky chop…no wonder my kids are silly!) and apple, added an onion and a couple cloves of garlic. I put it all on my pre-heated Pampered Chef baking stone (my absolute favorite kitchen thing! I bake everything on these (with the exception of runny or messy things…like no lasagna in mine because it doesn’t have edges!) at 325. I drizzled a couple tbsp’s of olive oil (would have used coconut of I hadn’t run out, knowing that I was going to add coconut milk in the end to make it a bit Thai style) sprinkled on a 1/2 tsp of ground ginger, a couple tbsp of curry powder and some garlic powder, pepper and sea salt. I let them cook in the oven for 20 min and then flipped and left them cooking for about 20 more minutes.

Once the fork went straight through the veggies with no resistance I knew they were ready. I scooped all of the veggies into the blender, added a cup of organic chicken stock and a cup of unsweetened coconut milk. Blender blended. We enjoyed. And it was healthy. AND it used up veggies that would probably have gone to waste otherwise. AND well that’s it….it is just soup!

I could have handled a little more spice in my soup, and added some green onions and pepper when I sat down to nosh, but it was a pretty easy way to use up the veggies and it fed four of us perfectly

(If you count my mom, Alex and myself as one each… and letting Addy check off her bites to make it to 15 bites, and Finn eating tuna….)

And my words of wisdom. You know, because I am so wisdomus….(FRIENDS reference anyone?)

Her success is not your failure

Just because someone does something, doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

Someone else’s success doesn’t mean your failure.

So go ahead.

Try it.

Make soup.

Camping with Kids. Our Trial Run.

Camping with Kids. Our Trial Run.

cape breton camping with Kids
toddlers camping
camping in Nova Scotia
campfire with kids

As you’ll soon see, my blog is full of everything. My life is all over the place, and so my blog will follow suit! I want to use the blog to share my heart, but also document the things happening in our lives! I’ve heard time and time again that I need to “Niche Down” when it comes to photography, and the Podcasts I have been listening to have been saying the same thing. Though maybe they have a point, and I want this little blog to succeed, I also want it to be an outlet for me!

This summer we decided to take our kids (3 and 4) back-country camping. However, last year we couldn’t camp which created a little lull in our kids camping experience. We wanted to ease them (and me) back in and were looking for a good time and place to make that happen. We were heading up to the camp in Cape Breton in August, however its a camp shared with a group of families so we couldn’t “check in” on the day that we wanted to, so we decided to camp!
We found a private little camp ground next to Uisge Ban Falls.  (More on that later!)  Roy & Gillian own a private campground that they run just for the fun of it! They were so sweet and even surprised us with picking up marshmallows for our kiddos. It was a beautiful well kept campground that they are doing more improvements to all the time. I do have to mention that we decided to drive past a couple of the provincial campgrounds when we were in Cape Breton so we would have a better idea on where we might want to stay another time. All I have to say is that the photographers they have are geniuses. They were able to make very crowded, non sheltered, DIRECTLY ON the Cabot Trail campsites look serene. The view was beautiful but they certainly didn’t live up to the photos! I would definitely stay At the Falls Campground again. (Though when you are looking for the campground, the sign actually says Uisage Bahn Wilderness Campground. Its the same place!)

Our kiddos thrive outside and I absolutely loved being able to run free. I think that all of us would do better with more time outside! And I am a big believer that kids can do far more than we give them credit for. After watching the documentary Babies – when my Addy girl was not yet in my tummy, I decided I really wanted to give my children a little more credit. It’s challenging sometimes for sure, and I know that I don’t always practice what I preach in this one. But I am constantly amazed with how adaptable children can be when given the chance. That being said here are a few things we learned on this practice camping trip:

  1. Always check your camping area for wasps nests, ants or other things BEFORE you set up your tent!
  2.  Whether of not your 3/4 years olds have ever had them before, they will somehow know you’re supposed to have marshmallows with your campfire.
  3. Pack light – except when it comes to spare clothes for children. Over pack on this one.
  4. Bring something hot to drink. We don’t drink coffee so this one was easy to overlook, but the mornings and evenings can be cool and it would have been nice to have a hot drink.
  5. We try to do the whole unplugged thing when camping, so it would be smart to have brought a book or  two for reading before bed or in the morning. Having little outings/walks/hikes/jobs is a great idea as well, especially if your littles are used to being super busy!
Give Yourself a Smile. Love Yourself.

Give Yourself a Smile. Love Yourself.

Go on, try it.

Every time you look in the mirror or catch your reflection. Smile. 

Smile at yourself.

See yourself and smile anyway. Because every smile helps. 

I’ve been struggling lately and on the heels of Global Mental Health Day, I thought I’d share. 

I watched this video on Facebook last night and wow did it ever hit home. It reminded me that I’m not alone in this. 

At one point I didn’t know that there was a different way to live, and I think I thought that being “hard on myself” was what I needed to propel me towards “success” (boy has my definition of this changed over the last few years! But when I realized that not everyone thought the way that I did, that some people just let things go, or made a mistake and didn’t worry about it for days…I thought that I better keep my crazy mouth shut. So I did. I felt alone and lonely (two very different feels) and more ashamed and confused about  how I felt; for a very long time. It became toxic. It no longer pushed me towards good things, but down into a spiral of depression, and then the cycle went on. 

Fast forward many years, after a very long journey (which I am still very much on) I realized that I needed to talk, whether it be through writing, or good old face to face.  I put out feelers and started dialog. In doing so I found that there were other people who not only had similar struggles, but had the loneliness, confusion and shame that surrounding those struggles. My heart broke when I heard them say they had the same struggle, but thought they were alone. Here we were, two people who had been going through virtually the same thing, and both feeling like we were the only ones. Since the dialog has opened, I have learned that there are far more of us than I would have ever thought, and despite things like Global Mental Health Day, and Let’s Talk, there is still a lot of stigma, and a lot of fear. I get it, I hid it for a long time, and even when I admitted it I didn’t want to put it on social media. I didn’t want that I was suffering from anxiety to make people think I couldn’t photograph their families, I was afraid. I still am. But I am more afraid of letting other people think that they are the only ones. 

So I’ve opened up. Not just because the bottling it up inside has been seriously cramping my style, but because I don’t want you to feel alone.

You want to know that someone else’s life if a mess? Sister I have you covered. 

Think you shouldn’t have a mental illness, anxiety, depression or an eating disorder because your life is pretty good? Because you have a strong faith? Because you think you should be able to overcome everything?

Ever weigh yourself and see the number and figure that you might as well go to bed and never get up? 

Cry yourself all the way to a meeting or an event, make it through and cry when you leave? 

Ever want to physically cut the fat off your body with a knife? 

Or want to run away? 

Put on a party face when all you want to do is cry? 

Resent your friends for being thin?

Feel like you don’t deserve to eat? 

Sometimes think it would be ok to land in the hospital just so you could have a break?

Sabotaged yourself, your job, your diet or your relationships because you don’t truly believe you matter? 

Stayed awake all night thinking of all the things you needed to do, and were so overwhelmed you were paralyzed when the sun came up?

Assume you always do the wrong thing? That you said the wrong thing? That you’ll mess it up?

You’re not alone. 

Seriously. 

You’re not crazy.

Well maybe you are a little, but so am I… and we are not alone. 

If you don’t struggle with anxiety then this may scare you. I’m sorry. And I’m ok. Really. I have an amazing Psychiatrist  (seriously can’t say enough about Dr. Wilson, and if there is stigma between seeing a psychiatrist I REALLY don’t care, because this woman is the real deal and meeting her has been a game changer, literally, we’re changing the game!) And though #thestruggleisreal, I am aware of it, and working on it. 

I’m so thankful for the group of mutual “crazies” I get to meet with at ACT group (want to know what ACT is? Click Here.) because it helps give normalcy to my crazy. But I remember what it was like before. When I felt like I was the only one. So in case you don’t yet have anyone in your life you can be real with, and open with, to get that feedback. Here it is again: 

You’re not alone. 

Do I want these things for you (or for me!?) Heck no! I’m working my butt off to kick this to the curb, or at least figure how to ride the roller coaster a bit more efficiently. 

But at least if you’re feeling them, don’t pile on yourself that you’re an awful person, or that you’re the worst or no one could possibly understand….because you’re not alone. I get you. I’m your people. 

And we can work on this! But for now, hugs friend.

Give yourself a smile.

The Lady with the Magic Ticket – a story of Generosity

The Lady with the Magic Ticket – a story of Generosity

On Thursday I picked up the kids from daycare and thought that I would take my kids to the Midway. (I only learned it was called that on Thursday! I would have just called it the fair, you know the one…the traveling carnival with the sketchy rides, cotton candy, lights and games, I don’t think that it’s just a local thing…) I was feeling tired, and sick and wanted to make up for it by doing something fun with the kids. If we went home I knew we’d end up eating grilled cheese and watching a show, and I wasn’t feeling that either.

 

Backing it up a minute. My beautiful Addy girl has shown evidence of being scared of heights, and though some healthy fear is a good thing, we want to encourage our monkeys to challenge their fears; hold spiders; eat new foods; go talk to the older kids at the playground…and in this case, riding the ferris wheel.

 

So I talked it up, how cool it would to be to be up high and see everything look small. I did mention that I wasn’t sure if they would be tall enough or what the rules were, so we would have to see. But when we pulled up and they saw the rides, there was no holding in their excitement.

Screeches

I’M SO EXCITED

This is so exciting

And then we couldn’t get in.

The only way to get to the Midway was to go THROUGH the Maritime Fall Fair

And the only way to get through the Maritime Fall Fair was to pay for entrance. NBD

Except…. They only took cash. I only had $18 and my debit card was sitting on my desk at home. If I paid the $13 to get into the fair, I knew that I wouldn’t have enough to ride the ferris wheel (and it turns out I was right! It was $18 just to ride the ferris wheel!!!!!) so that would have pretty much defeated the purpose. I told them I didn’t think that seemed fair because most times the Midway is accessible to the public…and the lady understood, but it wasn’t her rule, which I also understood.

I told the kids. And they didn’t understand. So I knelt down and explained.

They didn’t throw fits, or say “but mommmmmm”

But they did start to cry.

Not a “I think if I cry I’ll get my way” kind of cry. But a simply, I am so sad and disappointed kind of cry. Honestly I can understand why some parents just want to give their children everything. And I also understand why they cried. I can remember crying a few years ago when I found my first sand dollar and then dropping it and breaking it just a few minutes later. Disappointment is real regardless of its impact on a global scale. Watching tears roll down Addy’s face, and picking up Finn,  I didn’t tell them to stop crying. I told them I understood that they were sad, but that crying wouldn’t change how much money we had, and I was sorry that we couldn’t go on the Ferris Wheel.

A couple of ladies who worked at the Exhibition Centre had stepped outside along with a chef on a break and asked Addy why she was crying.

Addy told her through sobs, that we didn’t have enough money to go on the rides. My pride kicked in quickly to tell them that we just didn’t have enough CASH on us and that they didn’t take credit cards, that we didn’t know that you had to go through the fair to go to the rides and that we’d just make a plan to come another time. They said that didn’t seem right and said we could go talk to someone, I assured them that we had talked to people already and it was ok, that the kiddos would be fine, but thanked them for their concern.

We continued to walk to the car when I heard a call behind us. It was one of the ladies asking me to come back. The other lady who was there had a guest pass for the fall fair that she would give to me and the kids would be free because of their ages. Addy & Finn looked confused and I explained that this lady giving us the special ticket meant that we could go inside to go to the fair and go on the Ferris Wheel! Addy started crying tears of happiness and hugged the lady with an overwhelming “thank you thank you thank you”. Finn, who was still in my arms, sang some sort of excited ditty and leaned in for a hug as well. We thanked them again and went towards the entrance with the kids shouting and skipping “we get to go to the faiiiirrrr”. Then everything was just over the top excitement. Smiley face stamps on their hands, going to the tippy top of the ferris wheel, seeing the lights, the petting zoo, running into my cousin Laura and her taking us to see her horse (and give the kids her prize ribbons! Seriously are people not great sometimes!!!)

We had a few moments where the kids didn’t understand why we couldn’t do everything, play everything or eat everything. To be honest part of that I think is from my frugal research, taking the kids to community events that have free games, Canada Day cake, etc. But I think they did pretty well overall at working on that life lesson.

When we were leaving I wanted to hit home how thankful we should be for a stranger being so kind to us, and that we should always want to do nice things for other people. I also wanted to make sure the kids knew that they didn’t get to go to the fair because they cried. And Addy said “no we got to go to the fair because the nice lady gave us her special ticket”.

I am only thinking of this now, but I wonder if this lesson is what prompted Addy to find toys and books and wrap them in tissue, make cards and put them all in plastic bags so she could give presents to everyone…. If it is I am pretty proud. Well either way I am pretty proud.

Both the kindness of a stranger and the generosity of my little girl have reminded me what a big impact doing something nice for someone can be.

Watch out for my random acts of kindness and thoughtful things. Well you won’t know because I am not going to toot my own horn, but I can tell you that a fire has been sparked in me again when it comes to giving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Canadian friends, and to the lady with the magic ticket: Thank you. You taught my kids a valuable lesson, created a wonderful experience, and reminded me how important it is to care about others and act in kindness.

Ciao for now friends. Be blessed and be a blessing!